An Open Letter To My Fellow Single Ladies and A Note To Married Women
Dear Single Lady,
Welcome to 2021. With the covid-19 pandemic that shook the whole world and claimed many lives in 2020, it is such a privilege to be alive to see 2021. 2020 showed us that death is not a respecter of gender, marital status, age, socio-economic status, or religion. We’ve seen how fleeting life can be so it’s imperative, now more than ever, that you live NOW and not postpone living until after you fulfill your desire to be married. Time and tide wait for no man and you can’t continue to postpone those dreams of yours until after you are married. Now is the time to buy property if you can afford it. Now is the time to travel if you can afford it. Now is the time to expand your business or advance in your career if that’s the stage where you are at. Now is the time to pursue your interests and hobbies and explore unchartered territories. Don’t wait until you are married to do what you know you want, and ought to do now especially when you don’t even know the date of your wedding.
Jesus said he came that we may have life and have it abundantly (John 10:10). Abundant life is for everyone who accepts Jesus as their lord and savior — it’s not reserved for married people. So live the abundant life Jesus died to give you NOW not in the future after you are married. I know many people probably cannot relate but for those who can, please think about what I am saying. In Jeremiah 29:13, God said, “you will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart”. You may have applied this scripture to marriage. Marriage is the only thing you seek with all your heart, not God. Every time you attend a Christian gathering where you are asked to pray for that which is uppermost at your heart, marriage is the first thing you pray for — not to know God more, or to live an impactful life, or even to advance in your career or business — marriage is the numero uno. The personal development you have pursued the most is on marriage. You read every book you can on marriage, you attend every marriage seminar there is to attend. All you ask, think, talk or imagine is marriage. Every conversation is about marriage. Essentially marriage has become an idol to you and your happiness and fulfillment would only begin the day after you say “I do”.
Marriage is a good thing after all it was created by God and everything God created is good. However, some things are way more important than marriage.
- Knowing the only true God and his Son Jesus Christ whom he sent which is eternal life (John 17:3) is more important than marriage
- Loving the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, and mind, and loving your neighbor as yourself (Matt 22:36–40) are more important than marriage.
- Letting the will of God be done in your life and advancing his kingdom on earth (Matt 6:10) are more important than marriage.
- Being a blessing to people and helping the less-privileged are more important than marriage.
You get the drift. When you stand before God on the day of Judgement, these are the two bases of judgment as far as I know;
- You’ll be judged according to your deeds or works (Matt 16:27) and How well you used what you were given (Matt 25:14–30)
- You’ll be judged according to how you treated the least of God’s brothers and sisters in society (Matt 25:31–46)
In fact, please read the entire Mathew 25 chapter as it points to the basis of judgment.
As far as I know, your marital status is not taken into consideration when you stand before God in judgment. Jesus and Paul fulfilled destiny without being married.
However, if it is your desire to be married, it most likely means God has placed that desire in you and it’s a valid desire. I heard someone say “pay attention to your desires. It’s one of the ways through which God speaks to you”. So I am not undermining your desire to be married as I also want to get married and birth mini-firecrackers. The point is rather than turning to people or the world, or yourself to find out what you ought to do to get married, why not turn to the God who created marriage in the first place and who knows the partner that is best suited for you because he knows your end from your beginning? He knows every phase of life you would ever go through and he knows the partner that is best suited for all those life-phases and the storms you would encounter in your life’s journey.
Yes read books on marriage, listen to advice from those who are successfully married, and so on but what you learn from books or are told are just general strategies. The strategy for getting married that is specific to you can only be revealed by God. You hear things like “how do you want to get married when you are always staying in your house every weekend? You need to go out and make yourself seen” Yet there are people who have been going out every weekend since they came of age and are yet to meet a decent person talkless of husband while some people never left their houses and husbands came to find them at home (I know 4 people who met their husbands this way). Or you hear “you have to learn to be domestic and cook, clean and keep a home in order to get married” or “you have to be subservient to have a successful marriage” yet there are women who are not domesticated and are assertive who have happy and successful marriages according to God’s standard. So don’t lift someone else’s marriage strategies or blueprint and apply it to your own life because you’ll probably end up disappointed or frustrated. Seek God to know the specific strategy he wants you to employ to get married. He can tell you specific things to do or stop doing, resources to study, people to speak to, etc. The point is to let your actions be directed by God, not man or self.
The first marriage in the Bible was between Adam and Eve. Adam didn’t even know he needed a wife. It was God who looked around, saw there was no suitable mate for him, put him to sleep, formed Eve out of his rib, and brought her to him. It was after he saw her that he exclaimed that “this is the bone of my bone and the flesh of my flesh”(Genesis 2:18–25). Before you get excited and interpret this scripture to mean that it’s God who would bring your spouse to you without you making a move, you must first ask yourself if you are pre-fall Adam living in the garden of Eden. If that is not you then this strategy also isn’t for you. The bible is full of principles for every area of your life but it’s the holy spirit who teaches you how to apply those principles to your specific situations that’s why you need the word of God and the holy spirit together — one without the other is not sufficient.
Another marriage in the Bible was between Isaac and Rebekah. It was Abraham, Isaac’s father who prayed to God to give Isaac a wife from his relatives and sent his servant to his relatives’ village. His servant also prayed a specific prayer to God that the woman who not only gives him water but also gives his camels water to drink should become Isaac’s wife. And along came Rebekah who fulfilled all these requirements. (Genesis 34) Yemi Davids taught with this scripture at WAFBEC and it got me thinking that “does it mean Rebekah went about giving water to every stranger she met and his camels?” I personally do not think so. I believe the same God who led Abraham and his servant to pray specific prayers is the same God who stirred Rebekah to do what she did because she was the very first person to appear to the servant. The prayer the servant made was that among the many women who came to draw water, Isaac’s wife should be the one who offered him and his camels water to drink not the first woman he spoke to. So if you want to go about giving every stranger you meet water in the hope that one of them will be your husband, ask yourself if you are Rebekah.
And the final example is Ruth and Boaz. Naomi asked Ruth to go lay at Boaz’s feet and that’s how she met her husband. (Ruth 3) Like Ruth practically shot her shot. I’ve read articles where people use this story to teach that women are not supposed to verbalize their intentions to men and how they are only to give signals the same way Ruth gave Boaz a signal but I beg to disagree. Ruth’s actions CLEARLY conveyed that she was looking to marry Boaz and that’s why Boaz immediately started to make arrangements to ensure there was no obstacle to them getting married.
There are more marriages in the Bible but these are the three examples I have chosen to use.
The point again is to get your own instructions on what to do concerning getting married from God. For instance, when you attend a Christian gathering where the man of God prophecies that everyone who desires to get married would marry in 2021 and you claim it, you ought to go back to God and ask if that prophecy applies to you and if it does, what you must do on your part to make it come to pass. In Genesis 21:1–2, it says God fulfilled the promise he made to Abraham AT THE TIME he said he would fulfill it. So if God did not promise you marriage in 2021 and you’re claiming it Upandan, you may become desperate to fulfill it yourself when it’s not forthcoming and end up in trouble.
And this is why intimacy with God is Odikwa VERY VERY IMPORTANT. It is when you are intimate with God that you hear him at all times. People in close relationships don’t always have to speak verbally to one another before they know what the other person is thinking how much more when God lives in your heart. Jesus said “my sheep listen to my voice and follow me. A stranger they would not follow” (John 10:27, John 10:3–5). You need to hear God’s voice so you can follow him and not follow a stranger’s voice. The bible also says “as many as are led by the spirit of God, these are the sons of God” (Romans 8:14). When we become born again, we are adopted into God’s family as children of God but we graduate from children to Sons when we are led by the holy spirit. It is only when you are intimate with the holy spirit that you can be led by him. The point is to prioritize intimacy with God and knowing God above all else this year. Above getting married, birthing children, blowing and making wealth, even being healthy and fit, advancing your career and business because when you know God intimately, he will give you wisdom and strategies to succeed in all these other areas of life.
So my dear fellow singles and mature singles, please don’t put your life on hold until you are married. If you want to be married, seek God’s face and find out what he wants you to do or stop doing so marriage can happen for you. And whatever he tells you to do no matter how absurd it sounds do it. It is in the place of complete obedience that God does his part. When God asked Abraham to sacrifice Isaac, he didn’t stop him until he raised the knife and was about to kill Isaac. Even though Abraham had begun obeying by rising early and taking Isaac to the point of sacrifice, leaving the servants ahead to go on with Isaac, building the altar, arranging the wood, tying up Isaac, and laying him on the altar. (Genesis 22). Until obedience is complete, God would not do his part. So if God tells you to do 4 things, even when you do 3.9999, God would still not act until you do 4.0.
I am not joining anybody to open the book of lamentations this year concerning being single and getting married. My own strategy is to seek God’s instructions and obey them fully concerning every area of my life from relationships, work, finances, marriage, etc and I suggest you do the same. Talking about marriage from today till next year would achieve nothing.
And to the married ladies,
First of us, shalla to all my married friends who never make me feel inadequate or inferior because I am single. Who are vulnerable with me about their marriages both the good and the challenges. Who answer my questions on marriage, share useful tips without imposing their advice, and open their homes and their children to me. May God bless you abundantly.
However, if you are in the WhatsApp group of married women who are always prodding their single friends about the men in their lives or when they are getting married every time you converse with them, kindly stop it. Nobody needs a constant reminder of their single status or their age — they are well-aware. Rather than constantly bringing up the subject of marriage to your single friends why not pray for them to get married, send useful resources on marriage, hook them up with your sensible single male friends whom you know would be a good fit for them (only if that’s what they want), ask about other areas of their lives like work, career, hobbies and goals, health, etc. Getting married is good news and I am certain that when it’s about to happen, they will inform you because people typically share good news. So there’s no need to constantly bring up the topic of marriage. I know some people bring it up from a good place. It could be that they want their friends to also experience all the joy and happiness they are experiencing in their marriage. However, it’s better to wait for the single friend to bring it up before you bring it up. If you are childless or jobless, would you appreciate it if the only thing people ask you about is your childlessness or joblessness every time they meet you even if they have good intentions? I personally think not.
- Live the abundant life Jesus came to give you NOW not after you are married.
- Seek God with all your heart. The same energy you apply to seek that which you desire the most in this life which may be marriage or success for some people, channel it towards seeking God.
- If you desire to get married, ask God for the specific strategy you need to employ to get married. Don’t just do what people tell you to do. We are unique individuals and what works for one person may not necessarily work for you.
- If you are married, you don’t need to constantly bring up the topic of marriage when speaking with your single friends unless they bring it up.
For those of you who got married as led by God, maybe you can be so kind as to share how you met your spouses so single people can truly understand that there is no one way to meet a spouse and stop killing themselves to do everything they hear others did to find their husbands.
Everyone is guaranteed their spouses only to the extent that they obey God’s specific instructions to them.
P.S Mature singles as defined by Daystar Singles’ fellowship refers to those who are 33 years old and above like me.
P.P.S The Holy Spirit gave me the idea for this post on December 31, 2020, during my walk but I was only able to write it today thanks to procrastination so I wrote it as he taught it to me on December 31.